Sunday, November 11, 2012
god bless the child
so i must be over my ageism. i have been dating and hooking up with some younger guys. its not bad. they dont expect me to be the sugar daddy. they pay their own way even though i offer ( most of the time). i guess what gets me now is they are all so tall.so fucking tall. 6'0 ,6'3" 6'6" etc. excuses excuses just relax and enjoy their young bodys while they enjoy my old one. I need to face that fact that some guys like older guys and thank god that they do . its amazing. i feel amazing i feel ...... dare i say it attractive. i feel smart. i feel even sexy. they are a lot of fun. I have been lucky. its in there youth that I feel empowered to be a grown up and open up and not judge myself....... even in the judgment the old man pervert role is sometime fun to play.
maybe he will... maybe he wont
ginder, scruff, growlr, and every gay app on my phone. in hopes that he will just log on and we will once again be reunited.
its a fine line between hopeful and well pathetic for most. for me truth be told i am so deep on the pathetic side that even hope has lost its glimmer. there is no longer a line. im just completely lost. madly deeply infatuated with some one who lives........ (enter deep breath) on the west side. were not talking the at the wire of la brea. but sandy beaches, choloera water, sea bird shirt every where west side. where the sand has an oil slick and get in your shoes. and thats just a block west of the 405. he is even further. further where the fog is locked in until the late afternoon and the sky just looks white and the water grey. gross. how could i like someone who lives there?
how do you save a west sider?
do they want to be saved?
look to the east young man and be reborn.
maybe its the fog that is blocking his view. maybe the sunny side of the east is in my eye and i am unable to see him.
i do miss him. and here i sit writing one more time about the one who got away. will east and west ever meet again?
its a fine line between hopeful and well pathetic for most. for me truth be told i am so deep on the pathetic side that even hope has lost its glimmer. there is no longer a line. im just completely lost. madly deeply infatuated with some one who lives........ (enter deep breath) on the west side. were not talking the at the wire of la brea. but sandy beaches, choloera water, sea bird shirt every where west side. where the sand has an oil slick and get in your shoes. and thats just a block west of the 405. he is even further. further where the fog is locked in until the late afternoon and the sky just looks white and the water grey. gross. how could i like someone who lives there?
how do you save a west sider?
do they want to be saved?
look to the east young man and be reborn.
maybe its the fog that is blocking his view. maybe the sunny side of the east is in my eye and i am unable to see him.
i do miss him. and here i sit writing one more time about the one who got away. will east and west ever meet again?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
raising daddy
The other day a buddy of mine from college texted me a photo of Eric one of my college room mates.
The photo was of Eric in present day. Not the same fresh faced kid from Indiana that I remember.
Now, keep in mind that this was my second college, so I was 3 years older than most of the fresh out of high school peers.
My close circle of friends to me, do not look old. We range from 43-50. Funny however that in my 20's that seemed so old. I myself am 47 I am a single gay man living in Los Angeles. Being single and being that age the dating pool is either very small or I am looking for love in the wrong places. The men I meet my age or in my box/bracket are most likely in a relationship or are looking for a younger man.
I to have been reeled into the younger mans focus as of late. They are attractive. they are creative, they are everything I am looking for or at least I think that they are. Until I do the age math. Its not always but there have been time when I am the same age as their fathers. Its sobering to wake up to a man you feel attracted to playing a video game on his phone while you sleep. Even more perverse is finding out they were born after you graduated High School. In my old pea brain I can not seem to figure it out and jump the hurdle of the age difference. Is there a hurdle? Do I really have an old brain? is it pea sized?
In the mirror I do not look 47. My friends do not look to be in their 40's. Very kindly they tell me I look younger. Why is it that I cannot seem to get my age out of my head.
Is it the fact that if I date someone in their 20's or 30's I am reminded of where I was in my life at that age and can not be supportive?
A friend once told me, that when you are young and date older you need the security. when you date your own age you are secure and when you date young you are grasping at straws. How is it possible to go from being secure ( dating from my box) to grasping at straws? Is there not a mid range where you just relax and enjoy the company of the one you are with? turn off the calculator in my head and not think about the age difference? Embrace the sound of video games and comic books and enjoy the feel of another man laying next to you? Even though you are old enough to be his dad?
Maybe out there somewhere is a man who may be younger than myself but with an old soul who can sense this in me and hold my hand and walk me thru it- or push me thru it and keep me covered with a lap blanket. Just like I would do for him.
The photo was of Eric in present day. Not the same fresh faced kid from Indiana that I remember.
Now, keep in mind that this was my second college, so I was 3 years older than most of the fresh out of high school peers.
My close circle of friends to me, do not look old. We range from 43-50. Funny however that in my 20's that seemed so old. I myself am 47 I am a single gay man living in Los Angeles. Being single and being that age the dating pool is either very small or I am looking for love in the wrong places. The men I meet my age or in my box/bracket are most likely in a relationship or are looking for a younger man.
I to have been reeled into the younger mans focus as of late. They are attractive. they are creative, they are everything I am looking for or at least I think that they are. Until I do the age math. Its not always but there have been time when I am the same age as their fathers. Its sobering to wake up to a man you feel attracted to playing a video game on his phone while you sleep. Even more perverse is finding out they were born after you graduated High School. In my old pea brain I can not seem to figure it out and jump the hurdle of the age difference. Is there a hurdle? Do I really have an old brain? is it pea sized?
In the mirror I do not look 47. My friends do not look to be in their 40's. Very kindly they tell me I look younger. Why is it that I cannot seem to get my age out of my head.
Is it the fact that if I date someone in their 20's or 30's I am reminded of where I was in my life at that age and can not be supportive?
A friend once told me, that when you are young and date older you need the security. when you date your own age you are secure and when you date young you are grasping at straws. How is it possible to go from being secure ( dating from my box) to grasping at straws? Is there not a mid range where you just relax and enjoy the company of the one you are with? turn off the calculator in my head and not think about the age difference? Embrace the sound of video games and comic books and enjoy the feel of another man laying next to you? Even though you are old enough to be his dad?
Maybe out there somewhere is a man who may be younger than myself but with an old soul who can sense this in me and hold my hand and walk me thru it- or push me thru it and keep me covered with a lap blanket. Just like I would do for him.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
ativan or no ativan
I'm a little wound up, Yet somehow I feel like I am sprialing out of control.
scared and nervous. happy and sad. My stomach sounds like it is having a thunder storm just under the skin. and all I can think to do is hide.
AT-FAULT a story of attraction.
we met on Adam4Adam.
your mouth and my cock should meet he said.
i wasn't that into it, but some how i found my self walking down the hill to hook up.
he was aggressive in his pursuit. i was bossy in my boredom.
be naked when you answer the door i told him.
i have a room mate
i don't care....... be naked or it wont work.
i go to where franklin meets gower. i called him. he buzzed me in.
i don't remember the room # but now i wished i did. i knocked softly he answered the door and there he stood...... naked and a beautiful beyond my expectations.
it was then that my heart sank and cape of insecurity wrapped around me.
he smiled a crooked smile and moved in for a kiss. i kissed him back thinking i would never ever get a chance like this again. i could feel his rock hard cock press into me.walking backwards he led me to a bedroom. i lowered my self to my knees after all this is what he wanted, a blow job. what i walked down the hill to give. i started to suck his hard cock. he held a bottle of poppers under my nose and i went deeper. getting as much of his cock in my throat. he started to rub the sides of my body.
take off your shirt.
no i said.......
come one i wanna see your naked.
reluctantly i did.
i got undressed.
i stood there naked
my cock was semi hard but leaking like i had never felt it do before. we kissed as i stood above his sitting pose on his bed. i touch his nipples. another hit of poppers.
he laid back i got back on my knees to finish off this god.
i felt his hand on my head guiding me deeper on his boner.
my eyes watered and my nose began to run but i wanted in all the way inside my throat.
he groaned. another hit of poppers
he reached over me and felt my ass with his while hand reached inside my crack and touched my hole with his finger.
oh man i want that. another hit of poppers and i wanted him too.
i didn't say anything but couldn't believe he said it or felt it. i looked at him, his body
we kissed again....
can i have it? can i take you.
with out saying anything i turned and faced my ass to him.i felt him fall to his knees and wrap his arms around me hugging me from behind. i turned my face to kiss him to taste his tongue. i felt his raging hard on in between my cheeks. his cock felt with from my spit or maybe it was precum i don't know and didn't care i wanted him so bad. i wanted him inside me. to feel his weight on top of me next to me in me anything. i dropped my hands to the floor and pushed my ass up to him. i felt his spit coat my hole. a little rubbing and he was inside me. he let out a groan. i couldn't believe he was inside and i felt no pain.
he was riding me i turned my head to look at him and he was starting into my eyes and smiled that crooked smile. he pulled out and said lets not get to carried away.
he pulled out. leaving me empty but soooooo ready for more. another hit or poppers.
i laid on his bed. HIS BED. he lifted my legs and opened up some thick lube he kept under his bed. i heard him tear open a condom. i felt relived we were going to do this safe. with my legs resting on his shoulder he leaned forward and kissed me. a long kiss and i was going to give it up let him have me anyway he wanted. he rode me turned me to my side and rode me some more. then we slid on the floor kneeling i felt him pull out. and then slide it back in. and had a hold of my shoulders and i could feel his body tense up he mumbled some made up word or spoke some language i had never heard before and he was done i felt his cock slide out for the last time. took him in my arms and started to jack my self off . cum for me. i shot my sperm all over his beautiful chest. i kissed him again. and stood up. i helped him to is knees and he said thank you i needed that, i smiled my crooked smile and said i guess i did too. and started to get dressed. i felt the wetness on my behind...... his cum was all over me ass. in my ass. what did he do? i saw i heard him open up a condom i felt the hard rubberized cock slide into me. why am i wet? why am i sticky? what happened?. this god like creature has just shot his sperm inside me. i was stunned i looked at him i looked to see if i could see a condom on his softening cock. i didn't oh no. i said i have to go. i felt the urge to run home to clean my self up clean myself out. i didn't know this guy. in a panic i ran home sweating and panting i stripped off my clothes and tried to wash him off me, out of me. i crawled into bed cursing myself how could i be so stupid.my little voice said there was a condom. but he didn't cum into the condom he came inside me. i couldn't sleep. i got up and deleted my adam 4 adam account. i want to feel clean again what was i thinking?
he was a god.
he was into you
he looked healthy
there was a condom my little voice said to me over and over.
you're ok i said.. you are ok YOU ARE OK!....... it was just this once. there was a condom, he looked healthy, he was into you, he was a god..........a god who was into you.
his name was B&@# and he gave me HIV
your mouth and my cock should meet he said.
i wasn't that into it, but some how i found my self walking down the hill to hook up.
he was aggressive in his pursuit. i was bossy in my boredom.
be naked when you answer the door i told him.
i have a room mate
i don't care....... be naked or it wont work.
i go to where franklin meets gower. i called him. he buzzed me in.
i don't remember the room # but now i wished i did. i knocked softly he answered the door and there he stood...... naked and a beautiful beyond my expectations.
it was then that my heart sank and cape of insecurity wrapped around me.
he smiled a crooked smile and moved in for a kiss. i kissed him back thinking i would never ever get a chance like this again. i could feel his rock hard cock press into me.walking backwards he led me to a bedroom. i lowered my self to my knees after all this is what he wanted, a blow job. what i walked down the hill to give. i started to suck his hard cock. he held a bottle of poppers under my nose and i went deeper. getting as much of his cock in my throat. he started to rub the sides of my body.
take off your shirt.
no i said.......
come one i wanna see your naked.
reluctantly i did.
i got undressed.
i stood there naked
my cock was semi hard but leaking like i had never felt it do before. we kissed as i stood above his sitting pose on his bed. i touch his nipples. another hit of poppers.
he laid back i got back on my knees to finish off this god.
i felt his hand on my head guiding me deeper on his boner.
my eyes watered and my nose began to run but i wanted in all the way inside my throat.
he groaned. another hit of poppers
he reached over me and felt my ass with his while hand reached inside my crack and touched my hole with his finger.
oh man i want that. another hit of poppers and i wanted him too.
i didn't say anything but couldn't believe he said it or felt it. i looked at him, his body
we kissed again....
can i have it? can i take you.
with out saying anything i turned and faced my ass to him.i felt him fall to his knees and wrap his arms around me hugging me from behind. i turned my face to kiss him to taste his tongue. i felt his raging hard on in between my cheeks. his cock felt with from my spit or maybe it was precum i don't know and didn't care i wanted him so bad. i wanted him inside me. to feel his weight on top of me next to me in me anything. i dropped my hands to the floor and pushed my ass up to him. i felt his spit coat my hole. a little rubbing and he was inside me. he let out a groan. i couldn't believe he was inside and i felt no pain.
he was riding me i turned my head to look at him and he was starting into my eyes and smiled that crooked smile. he pulled out and said lets not get to carried away.
he pulled out. leaving me empty but soooooo ready for more. another hit or poppers.
i laid on his bed. HIS BED. he lifted my legs and opened up some thick lube he kept under his bed. i heard him tear open a condom. i felt relived we were going to do this safe. with my legs resting on his shoulder he leaned forward and kissed me. a long kiss and i was going to give it up let him have me anyway he wanted. he rode me turned me to my side and rode me some more. then we slid on the floor kneeling i felt him pull out. and then slide it back in. and had a hold of my shoulders and i could feel his body tense up he mumbled some made up word or spoke some language i had never heard before and he was done i felt his cock slide out for the last time. took him in my arms and started to jack my self off . cum for me. i shot my sperm all over his beautiful chest. i kissed him again. and stood up. i helped him to is knees and he said thank you i needed that, i smiled my crooked smile and said i guess i did too. and started to get dressed. i felt the wetness on my behind...... his cum was all over me ass. in my ass. what did he do? i saw i heard him open up a condom i felt the hard rubberized cock slide into me. why am i wet? why am i sticky? what happened?. this god like creature has just shot his sperm inside me. i was stunned i looked at him i looked to see if i could see a condom on his softening cock. i didn't oh no. i said i have to go. i felt the urge to run home to clean my self up clean myself out. i didn't know this guy. in a panic i ran home sweating and panting i stripped off my clothes and tried to wash him off me, out of me. i crawled into bed cursing myself how could i be so stupid.my little voice said there was a condom. but he didn't cum into the condom he came inside me. i couldn't sleep. i got up and deleted my adam 4 adam account. i want to feel clean again what was i thinking?
he was a god.
he was into you
he looked healthy
there was a condom my little voice said to me over and over.
you're ok i said.. you are ok YOU ARE OK!....... it was just this once. there was a condom, he looked healthy, he was into you, he was a god..........a god who was into you.
his name was B&@# and he gave me HIV
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