fifty and fucked

im fifty.
i have been fifty for 7 days.
should i give it 43 more days, to see how i feel at fifty and  fifty days?

today i feel like shit. I feel as thought I have wasted 50 years. wasted so many relation ship possibilities that i have ran out of chances.  and i at 50 and seven days have nothing.
just loads of sadness and despair.
robin williams killed himself 2 days ago and that is sad. i wonder if he is at peace now?
i ponder if i will ever be at peace? i have been down this road before.....fuck I'm medication for it.
but i am just so lonely so very very lonely. AND  alone.
bill~matt~ tim ~bram and sam have all slipped thru my fingers.
they all have someone else and it isn't me. i do not know why.
i don't know what to do
i feel hollow and alone. hollow and alone. hollow and alone.
i stare into space and it feels the same way. hollow and alone.
i pray for some relief and wait. still hollow and alone.
i have sex with strangers and i feel hollow and alone. i eat not to feel hollow and alone and i am fat still hollow and alone.
i want to disappear i want peace i don't want to be hollow and alone.