fifty and fucked

im fifty.
i have been fifty for 7 days.
should i give it 43 more days, to see how i feel at fifty and  fifty days?

today i feel like shit. I feel as thought I have wasted 50 years. wasted so many relation ship possibilities that i have ran out of chances.  and i at 50 and seven days have nothing.
just loads of sadness and despair.
robin williams killed himself 2 days ago and that is sad. i wonder if he is at peace now?
i ponder if i will ever be at peace? i have been down this road before.....fuck I'm medication for it.
but i am just so lonely so very very lonely. AND  alone.
bill~matt~ tim ~bram and sam have all slipped thru my fingers.
they all have someone else and it isn't me. i do not know why.
i don't know what to do
i feel hollow and alone. hollow and alone. hollow and alone.
i stare into space and it feels the same way. hollow and alone.
i pray for some relief and wait. still hollow and alone.
i have sex with strangers and i feel hollow and alone. i eat not to feel hollow and alone and i am fat still hollow and alone.
i want to disappear i want peace i don't want to be hollow and alone.

you get the love you think you deserve.

you get the love you think you deserve.

i heard that tonight, it it true? because if it is it scares me a lot.

SEX and the gay Single Man

I wish my life was more like a gay version of sex in the city.
where I go out to lunch with my 3 BFF's talk gossip about sex and drink all the while looking very current in Haute coture.
 However, my life is very different. I am alone. I do have friends but not gay friends. Al thought I do gossip and talk with my Straight friends.  drinking is always some non gay place, gay sex is rarely the topic and if i wear something other than 501's and a shirt from target im teased. such is life.
as a single bearish type. I do have some luck with men. with the help of Grinder Scruff mister Gwlr Craigs list et. al. and on occasion slammer. I get my share of Cock. Funny thing is when I get some cock It unleashes in me cock greed. I want more and more.
In a perfect world I would be in a loving relationship with a hot man who can cook. be richer and not have hair on my back.
In my Single life in Los Angeles i hang with straight friends and have occasional sex romps and then there are the few instances when FWB come in to play.
FWB or Friends with benefits is a term i use to discribe: sex with a man, more than once or twice, but have actually given them my phone # and have seen them not on a regular basis but regular enough. This excludes the time i have given out my number and the man has never called They fall under the term ASS hole.
anyway. FWB because these men are not always single or on the DL (down low) here-in- lies the challenge.
they have my phone # and I of course have their Number however I will or would never ever call them never use it. I want to have them feel that I can keep the "secret".
They all have an icon on my phone. when they call their photo pops up. sometimes it is a nude photo. sometime just the face and more often then not just a cock pic. getting that pic is another topic.
I never share these photos with friends. In my case it is easy because most of my friends of Straight.
On the chance that i should run in to these men out in public I am alwayspolite but would never think of aproaching them or making any kind of scene.
There are rules of engament:
(all thought getting engaged is not one of them) are as follows.
Do NOT be needy or demanding.
No Berating his wife or Partner.
(I also limit any conversation about them to a very short amount of time if any)
No Pet Names
NO Sulking
HAVE NO inhibitions
Let him believe he is in control.
Be 100 % in the moment when you are with him.
DO NOT FOOL yourself
SIde Bar rules:
Kissing
Kissing has always been a huge turn on for me. however decide what works for you. sometimes its the kiss that makes this tryst more intimate. Do not fool yourself into thinking he is going to leave her or him because you are a great kisser. IT is after All just a FWB relationship and you will have to make the judgement call. For me a no Kissing rule keeps it real and the sex is still great.
HAving sexual relations in your bed
again it is your call. I prefer to keep my bed for myself. Like kissing it is the one area of my place that is mine.  My secret place to share with someone who is just as commited to me as I am to him.
Let a rug burn be a passionate reminder of what an awesome FWB you are.
Spending the night.
NO! never ever do this. it is the gateway to the end of a FWB.

If any of these rules I have set are broken by myself I am certain that I will never see My FWB again.
because the sex is good I am not willing to do that. I would however drop them in a minute if I should get a boyfriend. As of now there is not a boyfriend or a potential boyfriend in site. SO For me a FWB or  a casual trick is what I am dealing with.
What or how do I refer to myself? I have rules and those rules are for my protection and his. so I am not a home wrecker. It is none of my business if he has an open relationship in his marriage or partnership.
I am not a slut or a whore there is no exchange of money. I like the word Courtesan Because Courtesans were educated and could carry on a conversation. I am an educated man. However Courtesan's are women and I am a masculine man who like other masculine men. Chevalier refers to male escort  (either sexual or non sexual ) to a female. And again I am a Man who likes the company and sex with other men.
Perhaps there doesn't need to be a name for what I do or should I say my current situation.
 I can also attest to the periods That are off limits for FWB like the holidays or my birthday.not by my choosing but by his situation. It is in those times I have great melancholy. I remind myself back to my rule of NO SULKING.
After all it is what it is and its only sex. And with a few boundries I can protect myself from a broken heart.

god bless the child

so i must be over my ageism. i have been dating and hooking up with some younger guys. its not bad. they dont expect me to be the sugar daddy. they pay their own way even though i offer ( most of the time). i guess what gets me now is they are all so tall.so fucking tall. 6'0 ,6'3" 6'6" etc. excuses excuses just relax and enjoy their young bodys while they enjoy my old one. I need to face that fact that some guys like older guys and thank god that they do . its amazing. i feel amazing i feel ...... dare i say it attractive. i feel smart. i feel even sexy. they are a lot of fun. I have been lucky. its in there youth that I feel empowered to be a grown up and open up and not judge myself....... even in the judgment the old man pervert role is sometime fun to play.

maybe he will... maybe he wont

ginder, scruff, growlr, and every gay app on my phone. in hopes that he will just log on and we will once again be reunited.
its a fine line between hopeful and well pathetic for most. for me truth be told i am so deep on the pathetic side that even hope has lost its glimmer. there is no longer a line. im just completely lost. madly deeply infatuated with some one  who lives........ (enter deep breath) on the west side.  were not talking the at the wire of la brea. but sandy beaches, choloera water, sea bird shirt every where west side. where the sand has an oil slick and get in your shoes. and thats just a block west of the 405. he is even further.  further where the fog is locked in until the late afternoon and the sky just looks white and the water grey. gross. how could i like someone who lives there?
how do you save a west sider?
do they want to be saved?
look to the east young man and be reborn.
maybe its the fog that is blocking his view. maybe the sunny side of the east is in my eye and i am unable to see him.
i do miss him. and here i sit writing one more time about the one who got away. will east and west ever meet again?

raising daddy

The other day a buddy of mine from college texted me a photo of Eric one of my college room mates.
The photo was of Eric in present day. Not the same fresh faced kid from Indiana that I remember.
Now, keep in mind that this was my second college, so I was 3 years older than most of the fresh out of high school peers.
My close circle of friends to me, do not look old. We range from 43-50. Funny however that in my 20's that seemed so old. I myself am 47 I am a single gay man living in Los Angeles. Being single and being that age the dating pool is either very small or I am looking for love in the wrong places. The men I meet my age or in my box/bracket are most likely in a relationship or are looking for a younger man.
I to have been reeled into the younger mans focus as of late. They are attractive. they are creative, they are everything I am looking for or at least I think that they are. Until I do the age math. Its not always but there have been time when I am the same age as their fathers. Its sobering to wake up to a man you feel attracted to playing a video game on his phone while you sleep.  Even more perverse is finding out they were born after you graduated High School. In my old pea brain I can not seem to figure it out and jump the hurdle of the age difference. Is there a hurdle? Do I really have an old brain? is it pea sized?
In the mirror I do not look 47. My friends do not look to be in their 40's. Very kindly they tell me I look younger. Why is it that I cannot seem to get my age out of my head.
Is it the fact that if I date someone in their 20's or 30's I am reminded of where I was in my life at that age and can not be supportive?
A friend once told me, that when you are young and date older you need the security. when you date your own age you are secure and when you date young you are grasping at straws. How is it possible to go from being secure ( dating from my box) to grasping at straws? Is there not a mid range where you just relax and enjoy the company of the one you are with? turn off the calculator in my head and not think about the age difference? Embrace the sound of video games and comic books and enjoy the feel of another man laying next to you? Even though you are old enough to be his dad?
Maybe out there somewhere is a man who may be younger than myself but with an old soul who can sense this in me and hold my hand and walk me thru it- or push me thru it and keep me covered with a lap blanket. Just like I would do for him.

ativan or no ativan

I'm a little wound up, Yet somehow I feel like I am sprialing out of control.

scared and nervous. happy and sad. My stomach sounds like it is having a thunder storm just under the skin. and all I can think to do is hide.